TL;DR: I’ve spent years feeling like a fraud in mathematics, attributing my successes to luck or “easy” problems. But after reflecting on my rigorous Master’s at UNIPD, I realized the truth: I’m not a genius, I’m just a relentless learner. The exams didn’t get easier—I just got stronger.

It’s not your life getting easier, it’s just you getting better.

Yes. This thought came to me after I realized I was looking at everything incorrectly.

I will confess: I actually never feel like I am good enough, especially in doing mathematics—and in being human.

About being human? That’s a topic for another day. Let’s focus on mathematics.

In doing mathematics? Dude, I never got an award in my country’s national olympiad (OSN) for years. NOT UNTIL I attended uni (It’s ONMIPA), where… I felt I was fighting no one because those who won the actual OSN had already flown away from Indonesia.

I never invested hours just to make a super elegant solution for a particular problem in math olympiads. I felt like… what I did was merely basic stuff. I never had ingenious thoughts nor made breakthroughs by any means.

I… feel like a fraud. It seems like I got all my achievements just because no one else was there. I remember the moment I won the absolute winner award at ONMIPA; I thought the problems I did were all “obvious”—problems that I thought everyone should be able to solve, because I always viewed myself as an average Joe.

The Losers Bracket

Why did I feel this way? Looking at my track record, I came from the middle of nowhere. Everyone only knew my hometown due to the “Sampit Conflict.” I might be somewhat gifted, but I grew up as someone who was put in the 2nd position at best.

As I said earlier, I got interested in math olympiads, but I sucked for years. Those who won? They went to universities abroad and supposedly lived happily ever after. Those who lost? They went to local universities, like me, and competed in the “losers bracket.”

I am happy with what I achieved, but for as long as I have lived, I never felt like I was winning as the “best of the best.” These circumstances made me feel like a fraud.

My self-esteem got so low to the point that I always thought the exams I passed and aced were only because the examiner deliberately made them easy. I always thought of this in my life, but then I got slapped by reality when I arrived at UNIPD.

Looking Back

I cannot lie; I am truly grateful that at the moment this article is being written, I have passed all my exams with very compelling grades. However, I initially felt that I achieved these grades merely because I could solve the exams without thinking too much.

Yes. I thought the exam problems I solved were the “obvious” ones again. Until I realized…

I STRUGGLED A LOT when I was attending the lectures. Especially the first 10 lectures of each class.

• In Functions Theory, I was not fluent with measure theory, Lebesgue integration, space of smooth functions with compact support, integration in \(\mathbb{R}^n\), and many more. But... at the end of the semester, I achieved 30/30 cum laude.
• In Stochastic Analysis, I didn't understand the slightest bit of what the professor was explaining when the first lecture happened. I even admitted to the professor after class that I needed more references just to keep up. At the end of the semester, I passed the written test with 30/30. Hopefully, after the oral test, it can go even higher.
• In Functional Analysis, I felt lucky I did plenty of work in point-set topology and I self-studied the topic a lot before coming to UNIPD. I thought the class was a breeze for everyone because I felt that way. Yes, I got 30/30 cum laude. However... the grade distribution of my class was quite terrible.

For all of these exams, I felt that they were “easy” and I thought these grades were a giveaway.

Until I remembered my current campus is an elite one. I am attending a rigorous program where, in the interview, they asked:

“This program is tough, will you be able to do it?”

“Yes. That is the reason I applied for this program.”

I thought my life was easy, until I remembered all my struggle, all my pain. There are plenty of thorns I have walked across, plenty of terrains I have gone through, plenty of hells I have visited.

Gifted as a Learner

I realized, my life is not easy at all. After long contemplation, I realized: actually, I am not gifted as a genius, but I am gifted as a learner.

Did I cry? A lot. Did I struggle? A lot. Did I lose to them? Almost never.

I am sorry to all my friends. Now I have realized that I am indeed not “smart,” but I can learn to be.

Why did my exams suddenly become easy? Because I studied like crazy and actually… I became crazier each day.

Why did I win my awards? Because I had accumulated plenty of tools that made the problems looked like a joke.

Why do you think that I live without stress? Because this stress is an everyday thing to me. Actually, this is one of the reasons my academic life feels really chill when I look back. I have adapted to the point where academic stress has virtually zero effect on me.

Yes, I am scared. Yes, I had the thought I would disappoint everyone. Yes, I don’t need to be perfect. However, I can learn as hard as I can to make anything happen.

Actually, I applied to my current program as a joke since I thought of myself as a fraud who would not pass. Well… things happen, and in Fall 2026 I will make my first touchdown in Paris—one of the toughest places to do mathematics!

Final Thoughts

After these long thoughts, I actually have one more exam: Differential Geometry. How about it? Please wait for at least three weeks since I am currently preparing for it. However… I feel no issues so far (this will be updated) because I did not realize that I am unconsciously adapting to this topic as well.

For those who think their life is getting easier, I would like to remind you to look back. Your life is hard. My life is hard.

It is not your life getting easier, it is you getting better.

*For the future me and the people who take this article into account for my future employment, please remember that this article was written by an early graduate school student who only does exams and not much research. Forgive me if this article looks silly. This article is meant as a self-reflection to better understand oneself and to acknowledge one’s effort in living one’s life. If this article helps you, thank you! If it doesn’t, at least it helped me.